I have a friend, named Amy who always looks out for herself. I can’t say that I always do that. Secretly, I see Amy as Elisabeth Bennet, in Pride and Prejudice set upon by the world and always meeting it with  a smile. Only Amy never smiles her way through things she growls!   If she and I were faced with the same situation she would fight and attack where I would worry about people’s feelings and making enemies and in the end probably just negotiate a fair solution. 

 At some point every woman has a close call with a pregnancy that is unexpected.   My friend Stacy had one when she was 16. She had been dating Brad for 2 years and everyone though they were going to live happily ever after. But this is not a fairy tail and those sorts of things just don’t happen to girls these days. But at the time they were very happy and this was something that they couldn’t handle at that point in their lives. But there they were. Or there she was. 

There is a certain point in men’s lives when marriage becomes a possibility. There is an age factor or money factor, or he meets a woman that is so good that he thought he could not do better. The reason will vary for each man but the plain fact remains that a man will not marry before he is ready. Period.  

If you are dating like a man, then you don’t have to change him, or worry about his family likeing you or anything like that. You just have fun. But don’t stick around too long. You have to keep fishing to catch a bigger fish.

Men don’t change. 

Women are agents of change. 

Men seek to conserve what they have. 

Women seek to improve what they have. 

A man-woman relationship is in constant tension between these two forces. Men find a woman and hope she stays the same, and is generally disappointed when they don’t.  Women find men they can improve and are generally disappointed when they are only able to change their hair or clothes.

To minimize the tension between man and woman in relationships, here is the trick:  don’t every try to change any personality traits in the man.  It will never happen.  Men’s personalities never get better with age then tend to stay the same and generally become less flexible over time.  For example, a man who is giving in the begining will propbaly become generous to a fault as he ages.  However, a man who is cold, unemotional or withdrawn will not become more so. 

If a man is 40% not right for you and 60% right then it is just not right.  You have to be happy with him about 85% of the time.  And what you don’t like should be small things, like his choice of hair style or clothes.  Everything else you have to live with no matter what happens.

I want every girl who reads this to forget about looking for a husband.  Stop.  Just.  Stop.  You are not looking for a husband. 

You are auditioning for the father of your child.  Let me say that again.  You are not looking for a husband, you are looking for a father for your child. 

A man who is cold or distant will make a really horrible father.  He will teach his son to stay distant from the people who would love, support him and make him more than he could be on his own.  He will teach his daugher that she is not worthy of love, that she will never be good enough no matter what she does. 

Choosing a husband is the most important thing in your children’s life.  Choose well.

Let me tell you why you should let your man go to the NUDIE bar, because men need to be men sometimes and do all the things that women remove from them in order to make society work. But sometimes men need to revert, they need to bond with other men in order to feel that they still have, if not ownership, usage rights over their balls.

Not all men want to go to NUDIE bars. But I think, if we were to take an honest sample of men, say for example in the health club locker room, when the KNOW that no women are around to tell on them and rat them out to their women, I think you would find then men, in fact, love to look at naked women and given the opportunity to do so, say with a group of guys, they would.

But I am here to tell them women out there that they have nothing to worry about from the women at the NUDIE bar. Stripping is as fake as professional wrestling, acrylic nails, and the all-chocolate-diet. The dancers wouldn’t even give most of the guys the time of day, on the street; to them this is a job and nothing else. All that goes on is for price of a few five-dollar tips; they will look them squarely in the eyes and fake it. You wouldn’t think a man would have had enough of women faking it for him, but apparently not. Five minutes before they get on stage they could be filling their nails but then they have to "go dance" and be sexy. How is that possible? Well its not.

I encourage all women to go and check it out for themselves, with or without their mates, but for those of you who feel that you can’t be a feminist and go, I can give you an overview of what happens. Women who would rather be answering phones in an office or studying for finals take their clothes off and dance in funny off-tempo stripper dance. This strange dance is similar to how old men dance at weddings, completely off beat and like their shoes is too tight for them. It is supposed to look sexy, but just looks like their feet hurting.

The men ogle the new dancer on the stage for a few minutes and then one by one line up to offer her money. The men stand in front of her for 30 seconds, she fakes it for a bit by pretending that she is all sexy and not bored out of her mind, she may bend over and toss her hair back or she might show him her "little cat, " or whatever her gimmick is, and then sit down. About ten guys will line up and by then her songs are over and she sits down and the next girl comes up, and this is my favorite part, cleans the mirror behind her. After she leaves the stage, she walks around the room and shakes hands with all the guys, she gets a tip from each one, hopefully, and she places it in her garter, or he might get to do that. Which is the closest your man will ever come to touching a stripper and the closest she comes to wanting to touch the guys.

I have a close friend who is married with children and he loves to go to the NUDIE bar downtown, so much so he refers to it as the down town office. Being a lesbian, I don’t see anything particularly wrong with going to NUDIE bars. I think that I have been to all of them in town and it is pretty much the same.

What usually happens is that I know most of the women there from the lesbian bar and they end up hitting on me. Once we had a front row seat and 7 out of the 10 strippers came over to our table, ignoring my male friend who had a pile of 5-dollar bills in front of him and hit on me. They have no interest in your guy all they want is the money and for they guys to leave so they can go to their boyfriends or girlfriends, put on sweatpants and watch a movie.

Sometimes a man just has to be a man and this is a controlled safe (thanks to the REALLY BIG bouncers) for him to pretend you don’t have his balls in a jar at home. If your man wants to go to the NUDIE bar LET HIM! You have a golden opportunity here to be the coolest wife in history (or if you are not his wife yet, this will certainly cinch the deal.

Last night a few friends and I went to dinner at a trendy restaurant. We managed to get a seat on the patio wedged next to another group with a woman that had a voice so loud; people in the next zip code could hear her.

We hadn’t even gotten our drinks before this woman, who clearly didn’t realize the volume of her own voice, said, "Let me tell you about the ring!" At first I thought she was talking about getting married, but unfortunately for my dining companions and me, she was talking about a new method of birth control.

I am passed the point in my life where I don’t worry about birth control so much as I worry about actually being able to get pregnant. Even if I was, I am sure I would choose to get the information from a qualified health care professional rather than a thundering testimonial from the next table.

For nearly 45 minutes she told us all about The Ring. Allow me to share with you all that I learned. The Ring is a form of extended wear birth control that secretes hormones into the cervix. Now, this alone would have been enough information for me. But I am also now painfully aware of how this device is fitted, associated health risks, and how to insert it, including the precise contortion of the body and hands (in a duck bill, in case anyone is interested).

I find it really hard to believe that this woman could find nothing better to talk about that loudly and in public, save this particular issue. There must be hundreds of topics: recent scientific breakthroughs, the occupation of Iraq, the effect of globalization of blue collar wages, unequal access to health care in rural America, or even the moral dilemma of caged versus free range chicken.

What this whole episode seemed to indicate is that a little refresher course on appropriate table topics is in order. Since people are pretty much incapable of monitoring the volume of their out-loud voice, I thought I would put together a little cheat-sheet of general conversation topics to be avoided whenever food is present in a public setting:

• Visits to the gynecologist, gastroenterologist, proctologist, or any procedures associated with these specialties including anything to do with colons or digestion, and their associated disorders or symptoms.
• Any recent medical procedure, regardless of who the patient was.
• Child birth and child birth horror stories
• Your current method of contraception
• Any skin rash, lesion, infection, oozing or otherwise, and any treatment thereof
• Any sexually transmitted disease, or the treatment thereof
• Scalp disorders
• Any of the above when it applies to a pet

Now that we have had a primer, it is time that we all got back to the art of polite conversation. By following the basics of conversation topics in public places, everyone will be able to get back to enjoying meals, connecting with friends and family, and be able to dine with respect for ourselves, our friends, our bodies, and enjoy the entrée we paid $28 for.

Last night I watched porn. As a woman I have to say that I have never really got the whole idea. Watching other people pretend to have sex just doesn’t do it for me. But it does do it for men. OH BOY DOES IT DO IT FOR MEN. They love porn. If they could get away with it porn would be low cost and freely available anytime of the day or night. They would watch porn on their Video iPods, while they are in hotels, while they are at work, while they are waiting in traffic or on the subway. Oh wait they do. Porn is solely responsible for driving technology forward.

Don’t tell me for a second that the growth of the home video industry, and small screen technology was not driven by the promise that men would be able to watch old reruns of Archie Bunker. NO NO NO it was for PORN. The strange connection men have to porn is complex. Ok not really complex at all. Men like to watch porn because it is the only reasonable substitute when they are not having sex. Men who sleep with women do not have as much sex as they would like to have. (NOTE: This of course, does not apply to gay men who have as much sex as their partners will give them failing that they sleep with other men.) Porn is their only refuge when their partners are tired, would like to read a good book or just are not in the mood. Frankly I don’t think men could live with out it. Porn is a big business so I don’t think it is going away anytime soon. A man who watches porn is redundant.

All men watch porn.

They may be shamed out of watching it by their spouses but send them on a boys weekend and the stogies and the stag films will emerge. Don’t be alarmed if your man is watching porn.  Just let him have his outlet.  As long as it is adult porn and he doesn’t spend to much time watching it (less than 2 hours a week) just let him be.  Plus he will think you are the coolest wife on the planet. If you are a wife and you want to make your man’s birthday.  Don’t give him tickets to a game give him a subscription to a porn video on demand service.

For all  you girls out there that think that your prince is going to find you some day.  Give up.  The prince that happens to stumble onto your doorstep is not the one that you want.   You have to make your selection of a husband more carefully than you do choosing a college.  A good husband supports you, lifts you up, makes you part of a team.  A bad husband, can drag you down sap your energy.

DO NOT confuse marriage with romantic love.  Romantic love is about falling in love, being in love and acting in a loving way.  This is not marriage.  Marriage is work.  Love just makes it easier to bear the burden.  Your life is easier with a solid partner that you love.  But if you are torn between a man that is hot, and one that is stable.  Choose Stability every time.  Hot is great in a lover but fades quickly when you are faced with 2:00am feedings all by yourself.

A long term marriage is about a partnership.  It is you and him against the world.  You will have times when you won’t have enough money, or you have to make tough choices about medical decisions or family issues to deal with.  You need someone who is going to take positive action.  You are not always going to be able to take on everything.  If you choose a husband that is squimenish, or a folder you will end up hating him in the long run. 

If your man does any of these things RUN do not walk to the exit.

• if he folds under pressure:  gets paralized by his decisions and doesn’t know what to do
• if he seeks other people’s opinions and relys on them instead of his own
• if he changes his opinion more than his socks
• if he can’t manage money, 
• if he puts off execercising
• if he doesn’t see a doctor/dentist regularly
• if he feels that people who are less than him are there because they brought it on themselves
• if he has never had to prove himself (could be at school or sports)  Has he always taken the easy way out?
• if he is grossed out by blood, puke or illness
• if he doesn’t take care of you when you are sick
• if he plans vacations with out you

The choice of a husband is yours.  Do not let a man choose you or a prince find you.  You are the one that is going to be most effected by a bad relationship.  You have all the cards.  You have what he wants (no not sex) Stability  Men need women.  Plain and simple.  You are always in the driver’s seat.

"Why By the Cow when you can get the milk for free" 

WHAT BULLSHIT

Let me break this down:  women are cows, men are…dairy farmers,  they want milk.  So we assume that they ONLY reason dairy farmers want cows is because they give milk.  Would they still want the cows if they are giving the milk to someone else?  Is the milk the same from all cows or is there a difference in milk from different cows. I can tell you know.  Not all cows are alike.  The milk is different.  He might want milk but the right man will want it from you so badly that he will do anything, anything to have it.  This cow farmer relationship is not one-sided.  The Farmer must have a barn and a the ability to house the cow even if he is just renting. 

OH and BTW MILK IS NOT SEX.

Let’s try the not so literal:  Men wont’ marry you if you move in and live/sleep/cook for him before marriage. Here is the best advice, I can give:  LIVE WITH THE MAN BEFORE MARRIAGE.  Do not jump into a marriage with a man that you have not lived with for at least a year. 

You know someone a little when you date, and a little when it is serious but it is not until you have lived with someone than it truly becomes apparent who they are.  People can hide LOTS of things before marriage.  It is a lot harder to do it when you living together. 

You have to check this guy out from every angle.  This is your opportunity to try him out.  Make sure:

• The sex is great, he is always trying to please you, first.
• He really wants to know how your day is going.
• On most days he calls you at least once
• He should surprise you with little gifts (flowers, or small thoughtful items)
• he should talk long term (planning vacations, etc)
• He should not make a big purchase without at least asking your input
• He should not make career decisions without at least asking you your opinon
• You should see how he is to his friends, coworkers. 
• Is he a slob?  Do  you want to spend your life cleaning up after him.
• Is he spendy?  Does he spend everything that comes in the door
• How much does he have saved.  Make sure you see the bank statements.  Don’t take his word on it

Get the facts.  Then make your decision.