Last night a few friends and I went to dinner at a trendy restaurant. We managed to get a seat on the patio wedged next to another group with a woman that had a voice so loud; people in the next zip code could hear her.

We hadn’t even gotten our drinks before this woman, who clearly didn’t realize the volume of her own voice, said, "Let me tell you about the ring!" At first I thought she was talking about getting married, but unfortunately for my dining companions and me, she was talking about a new method of birth control.

I am passed the point in my life where I don’t worry about birth control so much as I worry about actually being able to get pregnant. Even if I was, I am sure I would choose to get the information from a qualified health care professional rather than a thundering testimonial from the next table.

For nearly 45 minutes she told us all about The Ring. Allow me to share with you all that I learned. The Ring is a form of extended wear birth control that secretes hormones into the cervix. Now, this alone would have been enough information for me. But I am also now painfully aware of how this device is fitted, associated health risks, and how to insert it, including the precise contortion of the body and hands (in a duck bill, in case anyone is interested).

I find it really hard to believe that this woman could find nothing better to talk about that loudly and in public, save this particular issue. There must be hundreds of topics: recent scientific breakthroughs, the occupation of Iraq, the effect of globalization of blue collar wages, unequal access to health care in rural America, or even the moral dilemma of caged versus free range chicken.

What this whole episode seemed to indicate is that a little refresher course on appropriate table topics is in order. Since people are pretty much incapable of monitoring the volume of their out-loud voice, I thought I would put together a little cheat-sheet of general conversation topics to be avoided whenever food is present in a public setting:

• Visits to the gynecologist, gastroenterologist, proctologist, or any procedures associated with these specialties including anything to do with colons or digestion, and their associated disorders or symptoms.
• Any recent medical procedure, regardless of who the patient was.
• Child birth and child birth horror stories
• Your current method of contraception
• Any skin rash, lesion, infection, oozing or otherwise, and any treatment thereof
• Any sexually transmitted disease, or the treatment thereof
• Scalp disorders
• Any of the above when it applies to a pet

Now that we have had a primer, it is time that we all got back to the art of polite conversation. By following the basics of conversation topics in public places, everyone will be able to get back to enjoying meals, connecting with friends and family, and be able to dine with respect for ourselves, our friends, our bodies, and enjoy the entrée we paid $28 for.

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